The time has come....
Well the time has come. I’ve put it off now all these days with you guys and years as far as my head goes. Let me start by saying that I was taught as a youth to respect my elders. I have always attempted to do this whenever possible. However, I’ve always believed that to get respect, you have to earn respect.
I do not believe that a title or position earns anyone any certain amount of respect. In my mind this is the way it is regardless of whether you are my friend, my boss, my president or my mother. It is the last one that this post will concentrate on. It is time to knock down the fortress door of that castle.
My mom and dad divorced when I was four years old. If any parents or future parents are reading this please pay attention here if you read nothing past it.
IF you aren’t with the other parent of your child, DO NOT EVER down that person in front of the child.
My mother in the 14 years I was around her after my father split up never passed up an opportunity to down him. Her favorite saying was, “He wasn’t worth a damn.” She would then in either that conversation or in other conversations state about me, “He’s just like his father.”
DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH !
Didn’t she think for one second that I would at some point in time put 2 and 2 together. If he’s not worth a damn and I was just like him, I must not be worth a damn. This, I believe to this day, formed my lifetime relationship with my mother.
To be best of my knowledge, she is still alive. As of this writing I haven’t spoken to her since October 29th, 1991. As a child, I had to put up with her domineering ways. As an adult, I made the decision not to. I have only seen her one time since then. In a Hardee’s restaurant one morning a couple of years after that. She took her tray to a table passing me as if I was a stranger on the street. It was at that point in time that I decided to quit punishing myself for divorcing myself from her.
**************
I believe I have stated here in other entries that I was not a model child. I wasn’t a terror by any stretch but certainly not an angel. I wasn’t the perfect student either. Looking back I feel I could have done much better in school if I’d realized then what I know now. If I’d taken one minute to analyze the situation of my childhood, I’d have done great in school just to piss off the ones that wanted to brand me a failure. Instead for years, I let them convince me of it.
I do not remember anyone except 2 teachers in my first 12 years of school that urged me forward. The first was my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Wattenbargar. The second one was my homeroom teacher in my sophomore year of high school. Both of these fine ladies prodded me to higher levels. The other teachers and my supposed role models at home offered little to no motivation at all.
I could bring home great grades yet my mother would concentrate on a lower conduct grade and bitch all night about it. She was more determined to keep her new marriage together than showing love to her children. As a busy working mom she may not have been able to spread her feelings around to a new husband and 2 kids. As a result, I was left out. I became a loner. Being a Leo, this was completely abhorent to what I was destined to be. It was years later that I finally broke out of this shell. Some of that shell was still present when I started this blog. After this post, the shell will be gone. I am tired of living two lives. My public persona of the ‘closs clown’ only to come home and barely speak 10 words the rest of the day are gone. Somewhere there has to be middle ground.
The bitterness that I have felt for this woman all these years has transferred to most every relationship I’ve had with women in my life. Every female I deal with first has to pass my mental test of “Is she like my mother?” If I see any indication that she might be, I have nothing to do with her. I’ve always hated myself for putting up this barrier immediately. I’m sure I’ve missed out of meeting great ladies because of it. The women in my life that I have had the honor of calling friends, lovers and wives are all great ladies. I treasure them all. I used to hope for the day when I could look at my mother and say the same thing. I do not think that day will ever come. That used to hurt deeply. It doesn’t anymore.
I do not believe that a title or position earns anyone any certain amount of respect. In my mind this is the way it is regardless of whether you are my friend, my boss, my president or my mother. It is the last one that this post will concentrate on. It is time to knock down the fortress door of that castle.
My mom and dad divorced when I was four years old. If any parents or future parents are reading this please pay attention here if you read nothing past it.
IF you aren’t with the other parent of your child, DO NOT EVER down that person in front of the child.
My mother in the 14 years I was around her after my father split up never passed up an opportunity to down him. Her favorite saying was, “He wasn’t worth a damn.” She would then in either that conversation or in other conversations state about me, “He’s just like his father.”
DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH !
Didn’t she think for one second that I would at some point in time put 2 and 2 together. If he’s not worth a damn and I was just like him, I must not be worth a damn. This, I believe to this day, formed my lifetime relationship with my mother.
To be best of my knowledge, she is still alive. As of this writing I haven’t spoken to her since October 29th, 1991. As a child, I had to put up with her domineering ways. As an adult, I made the decision not to. I have only seen her one time since then. In a Hardee’s restaurant one morning a couple of years after that. She took her tray to a table passing me as if I was a stranger on the street. It was at that point in time that I decided to quit punishing myself for divorcing myself from her.
**************
I believe I have stated here in other entries that I was not a model child. I wasn’t a terror by any stretch but certainly not an angel. I wasn’t the perfect student either. Looking back I feel I could have done much better in school if I’d realized then what I know now. If I’d taken one minute to analyze the situation of my childhood, I’d have done great in school just to piss off the ones that wanted to brand me a failure. Instead for years, I let them convince me of it.
I do not remember anyone except 2 teachers in my first 12 years of school that urged me forward. The first was my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Wattenbargar. The second one was my homeroom teacher in my sophomore year of high school. Both of these fine ladies prodded me to higher levels. The other teachers and my supposed role models at home offered little to no motivation at all.
I could bring home great grades yet my mother would concentrate on a lower conduct grade and bitch all night about it. She was more determined to keep her new marriage together than showing love to her children. As a busy working mom she may not have been able to spread her feelings around to a new husband and 2 kids. As a result, I was left out. I became a loner. Being a Leo, this was completely abhorent to what I was destined to be. It was years later that I finally broke out of this shell. Some of that shell was still present when I started this blog. After this post, the shell will be gone. I am tired of living two lives. My public persona of the ‘closs clown’ only to come home and barely speak 10 words the rest of the day are gone. Somewhere there has to be middle ground.
The bitterness that I have felt for this woman all these years has transferred to most every relationship I’ve had with women in my life. Every female I deal with first has to pass my mental test of “Is she like my mother?” If I see any indication that she might be, I have nothing to do with her. I’ve always hated myself for putting up this barrier immediately. I’m sure I’ve missed out of meeting great ladies because of it. The women in my life that I have had the honor of calling friends, lovers and wives are all great ladies. I treasure them all. I used to hope for the day when I could look at my mother and say the same thing. I do not think that day will ever come. That used to hurt deeply. It doesn’t anymore.
posted by OpinionatedSOBinTN at 2:59 AM
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